I don't want to be a lonely, old woman....by Jodi

I don't want to be a lonely, old woman.

I don't want to be alone.

I know that I am hard on people. It's how I grew up, being judged harshly and feeling like I was never good enough. Has that really worked for me? No, my first husband just lied to me about everything. My son lies to me because he was taught that by watching his father and he either lies or doesn't say anything to me. My husband now, just does what I ask or is silent. I don't want that, at all.

Why do I have to be harsh when it doesn't work for me? Who does it work for? I really can't see that it has worked for anyone. I know many women suffer with this problem. I hear some of my friends talk to their husbands and I think of how they sound, barking orders, not pretty. Are their husbands happy? No. Would I be happy? Not in the least. Would I fight back? Oh yes! Does my husband fight back? Well, he does what he can to keep the peace but he does fight back in his own way. Does our relationship benefit from it? Probably not. I don't want to be a lonely, old woman.

How can I change this? Just do it.

How hard can it be? Very hard, at times.

Are you giving up? Giving in? Not one bit. I am choosing to be loved and loving.

Well, how is being this type of person benefitting me? It's not.

Why have you been this way? It's what I know, it's how I grew up, better to come from me than someone else.

That isn't how you want things though. Change them.

How do you wish to be remembered? Fun, I am really a fun person. I like to have fun with everyone. Loving, I love the people in my life, I want them to love me back. Honest, I like to think I am pretty honest when you look in the world, I think you can say I am honest. Creative, I like to be creative. I like to think of things unusually, to be surprised by them. Generous, I wish I could afford to be more generous. I like to think I am generous but actually being so is another story. If people can identify me with one or more of those qualities, I guess I would be content.

I don't want to be a lonely, old woman. I am feeling old, I am not getting any younger, for sure. I hope I will live a good life and become an old woman. I want to be a grandmother. I want to be married for many years to someone I love and respect. I do love my men. I really want to be loved and loving. I am so good to my friends, when am I going to be good to my men? I think of my friends, many are alone, divorced and they are probably lonely. They might even be too busy to be lonely? They each will get older, without a doubt. I love my friends, flaws and all. This is a flaw.

What do you have to gain by being harsh? Not one thing. What can I say when it is all said and done? I was right. I did things the right way. Oh, that is nice, not! I don't want to be a lonely, old woman.

I need to find a new me and I want that to be a part of it. I really want the freedom to just be me, I don't need to be as capable as I used to be. Am I capable? Yes, I can, have and will stand up for what I believe to be right. Injustices, not doing your job right, just being negative, not being helpful or just plain being wrong. I state my opinion, usually without hesitation. If I have to fight, I can do it. I don't have a boss anymore. I don't need to be a rat and be a part of the race. I don't have to figure things out alone anymore. I just don't need to be so harsh nor do I want to be. I am going to make every effort to change because I want to and I need to. I do not want to be a lonely, old woman.