I believe loneliness is a state of mind. Being alone can mean being by myself, or it can mean being lonely. Last year at this time I was becoming quite good at being by myself. I went on trips by myself, I went places I wanted to go and saw things I wanted to see, all by myself. And I liked it. I loved the freedom to go when and where I wanted to go. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to consider anyone else. It was an oasis of self-centeredness in a life that has been pretty focused on attending to the needs and wants of others. I had gotten past the loneliness and fear of being alone, and was discovering the joy of having time alone and the freedom and resources to do what I wanted to do. I made plans to do things I wanted to do, and invited others only when I felt like it. It was great!
I don’t have as much of that freedom now. For me, working, raising a teenager, and being in a relationship doesn’t leave much free time at all. And as we all know, relationships with significant others take work. They are like finicky houseplants—they need the right mix of attention and nurturing, the way plants need light, water, and food. And the truth is, when I give to a relationship, I have expectations about what I will get in return. And at this point in my life, I’m pretty satisfied with the life I can give myself. The bar is pretty high for any partner I would have—to add to my life in a meaningful way beyond what I have and can do on my own. At this point, I need meaningful work, time and energy for my daughter, and a good quality of life. I have all of that even without a significant other.
Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? No, probably not. One of the difficulties at this season of life is that relationships can be so complicated—my kids, his kids, the exes, living in different parts of town, different schedules, travel, other social commitments—you know how it goes. My life is hectic, and I often feel I’m just running from one thing to the next. So for now, the time and energy I can give to a relationship is limited, and I’m fine with that. I used to joke that I just needed an every-other-Wednesday-night boyfriend. It’s not far from the truth. Strangely, a real guy wants more of my time than that, can you imagine? It’s a challenge for both of us. Right now I don’t think I want to get married again, it’s so complicated. His and hers assets, debts, kids, exes, and all the issues attached to those. Makes me very tired just thinking about it, excuse me while I go lie on the couch for a while. Some people think a woman needs a man, and that I better snag one while I’m young and attractive enough—otherwise I might miss the bus. It’s not that I don’t want that relationship, I just can’t see giving up doing the things I’m finally free to do and have the resources to do, in hopes of preventing being alone some day years from now. There are no guarantees for any of us. I like my life and my freedom right now, and I’m not ready to go back to all the compromises that a marriage requires. Maybe later I will feel differently, and at that time I can try to sink my hooks into some unsuspecting chap. Wish him luck!
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