Jodi wrote about the financial impact of divorce. I’m
writing about the emotional impact, which I think can be just as devastating,
if not more so. I guess I’ll start with the assumption that one can financially
afford to get divorced—let’s say that both parties will have enough money to
live comfortably afterwards, in a standard of living similar to what they had
before. With that assumption, let’s talk about the emotional impact.
Where to begin? Every marriage, every relationship, has its rough
spots. There are things about your spouse, your best friend, your coworkers, and
your neighbors, that can drive you nuts at times. Often they’re not big-ticket
items, just annoyances, and we all have varying abilities to tolerate these
quirks at different times. But sometimes there are bigger issues. I’m talking
game-changing, deal-breaking issues. We can all name a few, although no one
really knows what goes on between husband and wife, and which issues are the
undoing of any one couple. I will venture to say, based on my experience, that
the issues and gripes one has with one’s spouse are no more serious than the
issues within one’s self—sometimes those are the real deal breakers. We all
have our demons, right? I suppose what I’m really saying here is, Don’t Judge,
in fact, don’t even try to figure out what happened between two people. Outside
appearances may be contradictory to what the real story is.
A friend of mine said it takes 5 years to go through and
recover from a divorce. I’d have to say that that is probably pretty accurate.
I think it can be less when we’re younger and more resilient, and can adapt to
change more easily. Now, though, it’s really tough. The good times can haunt us
as much as the bad times. The sense of loss, and the process of grieving,
sometimes seem endless and can leave you feeling desperate to escape it.
Self-doubt is a frequent companion, and you can find yourself questioning
yourself at every turn. Do you have 5 years to grieve, to be depressed, to be
sad, and sick, and self-centered? Let’s face it, feeling so bad is all about
you! Do you realize how much energy it takes over 5 years to start all over? To
find a place to live, replace the possessions you’ve lost, and find new
friendships to replace the ones that you lost? Can you salvage, slowly and
painfully, your sense of self-worth? One of the biggest surprises for me was
(and still is) the reaction of some family members and close friends. Be
prepared to be judged, to be questioned, and not to receive the emotional support
you expected from those closest to you. If you’ve been married a long time,
your marriage was part of everyone else’s sense of stability, and when that is
broken, not everyone can or will easily slide into the role of comforter and
friend. Some will take sides, and not your side, either. The holidays,
birthdays, and Sunday dinners you knew, with family get-togethers, can
disappear like this morning’s fog. If your family is all out of town, like
mine, that leaves some big gaps. Oh, and did I mention the exhaustion of all
this emotional darkness? There’s the terrible dark nights when you can’t sleep,
the inability to eat until you are sick, and the inability to concentrate, which
can last months. These things add insult to injury—what if they figure out that
you can’t concentrate at work? What if you get really sick, who will take care
of you? What if you lose your job? Just a few of the many thoughts that come
calling when you find yourself without that spouse, the one who drove you nuts.
I don’t mean to minimize the reasons why marriages fail. It’s just that there’s
a heavy price to pay, even if you can “afford” it. There might be other ways to
spend the next 5 years, that take a
lesser toll on your mind, your health, and your pocketbook.
