We’ve all been there—having a disagreement, misunderstanding, miscommunication, and ultimately a fight with our significant other. Not to mention with parents, siblings, children, other relatives, friends, coworkers, you name ‘em—we’ve had a difference of opinion sometimes, which might be putting it mildly. I have my own slant on these situations, which no doubt is influenced by my experiences as a child and an adult.
I don’t remember my parents ever fighting. I can remember, vaguely, times when I sensed tension between them, but there must have been times when they argued openly and I just don’t remember it. My parents divorced when I was 9, and so that was the end of the opportunity to see them arguing. I didn’t witness much of their communication after that. So I grew up feeling like I didn’t know how to argue, or how to stand up for myself, and I largely avoided conflict with others, particularly the men in my life. Why is it that some of us, myself included, have that fear that any disagreement might end the relationship? Fear was a big motivator for me to avoid conflict, and to avoid asking for what I wanted or needed. I’m happy to report that I have now gotten past that, after some very unpleasant conflicts were faced head-on.
Anyway, I do have some thoughts on principles for fighting fair, if you will. What does it mean to fight fair? To me it means being able to express your hurts, needs and desires without fear of being put down, made fun of, or otherwise invalidated. It means being able to try to reign in your emotions so that you can try to communicate with your partner in a way that is respectful and not intentionally hurtful, to try to come to a better understanding, and resolve the disagreement. I truly believe that so much of our conflict in relationships is due to misunderstandings. It is possible to understand your partner and yet not agree—but I challenge you to really, truly, try to understand the point of view of another person. To me, that fundamental understanding is so difficult to achieve. There are layers of understanding, like the layers of an onion. And our perceptions of what others mean by their words and actions is filtered through our own lens of how we feel about ourselves and all the assumptions we make as we interpret their words and actions. Think about it--when your partner says something, you’re looking for the hidden meaning. And in the face of an argument, you’re assuming the worst possible meaning of everything they say. Sometimes the argument starts with the misinterpretation of something said. Or of something hurtful said when one of you has something bothering you but hasn’t been able to bring it up and try to talk about it calmly. Relationships are a minefield, aren’t they?
It’s so hard to communicate clearly and patiently when one or both parties’ emotions are stirred up. For some, it helps to put the argument aside for an hour, or a day or two, and come back to discuss it when the emotion has cooled. This has worked for me, but I have to admit that I would prefer to resolve things right away—its hard to wait when I’m upset. I like to try to talk rationally through it even when I am upset—I really don’t want to hurt the people I love, even though I know how to press their buttons. It is no fun to have to apologize for being just plain mean, and intentionally hurting a loved one can damage the trust that exists in the relationship. In my perfect world, we would not assume that we really understand right away what is behind the other persons words and actions. We would try talk calmly and respectfully, and listen and clarify what our partner is saying. I’m a big proponent of addressing issues early on rather than letting them fester. Defensiveness is not our friend when trying to defuse an argument, so we would use “I feel” statements to describe our feelings, and not blame by saying “you”. For example , “I feel hurt when you _______(fill in the blank with offending behavior or words). My therapist friend, Judy, calls this “being emotive”. I try to use it and it really helps the other person understand where I’m coming from. It’s almost as though each of us has our own language, and we have to over-communicate in order to understand another person. So don’t give up! The people we love are worth it. And in the process of understanding them, we come to a better understanding of ourselves.
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