Anger Management...by Lisa

Wow, there’s a strong topic. It’s of interest to me because I feel anger at times, and I’ve read about anger and talked about it in therapy. I go to a support group for women who are separated or divorced, and the therapist who facilitates the group, Judy, always says that anger is a mask. A mask that is hiding other emotions underneath, emotions too painful to face. I would have to agree with that. Often when I feel angry it is because I feel defensive, because I am hurt. I cry when I am really angry—out of a feeling of helplessness. It helps me to ask myself what is under the anger—what am I protecting myself from by being angry? It’s no fun to let myself feel the hurt, but it is good to identify what is really going on. It helps me not to act on the anger and do or say something I might later regret.  The Bible, in James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires.” Regardless of your feelings about religion, you have to admit that this is good advice. What’s the old cliché, that we have two ears and only one mouth? Perhaps to listen twice as much as we speak.

I think that much of anger is due to misunderstanding, or lack of understanding at other people and the situations we are involved in. I am amazed, and I mean really amazed, at how much communication it can take to try to truly understand the point of view of another person. Yes, we know our loved ones in that we know their likes and dislikes, their habits, their pet peeves, but to really, truly know another’s feelings—I’m not sure we ever fully understand another person. I mean hey, how well do we understand ourselves?

I try to resist getting angry in the face of frustrating people or circumstances. I’m older now and I have to conserve energy for the things that are really important to me, and not waste it on unimportant little stuff. Others might say that being older means being more efficient rather than less energetic—and we could debate that. Even so, anger is not usually very efficient.

Now, when I get angry, I try to find a quiet, private place to feel the emotion underneath, and then I can figure out what to do. Tell the person who hurt me? I look at myself and figure out whether my reaction was warranted—maybe I took it too personally. And I try to get my body moving—go for a walk or do something physical to burn off the energy of that anger so I can calm down and think more clearly.  And it always helps to talk it over with a close friend, who can lend a sympathetic ear and an objective point of view. Jodi is great for that—she tells it like it is and I can hear the truth from her without feeling hurt (perfect!). And, heaven forbid, if I realize I was wrong, I humble myself and apologize to the person I have hurt. That too is very therapeutic. And a great lesson for my kids, who are sometimes the recipients of that apology.