Two weeks ago, I learned that a friend and former coworker
lost his 29-year-old son. Every parent’s worst nightmare, right? As more information became available,
the family courageously revealed that their beloved son and brother, a
brilliant young physician, musician, and writer, had taken his own life. This
young man’s mother is a psychiatrist, making it all the more wrenching. They
gave him a beautiful send-off, with many, many people coming to pay their respects.
It is a tragedy, a loss of epic proportion. He was clearly very deeply loved by
his family, and while he was very accomplished and successful, he still had much to
offer this broken world.
Why do I tell you this? After I sat under the tent outdoors
at the funeral in the sweltering heat and listened to so many people sharing
anecdotes and sadness and anger and pain, and his father lamenting that there
would be no one who could be comfortable with both the homeless and the
governor in this world, I had an epiphany. I’m very interested in the topic of
how we can help couples succeed in marriage, since admittedly, I have room for improvement. What can we do to help couples be successful? Seems like a complete change
of topic, but here is a couple dealing with a crisis that some marriages cannot
endure.
I don’t claim to have all of the answers, rather I have a
lot of questions. I had to wonder
if it would help to ask oneself some questions about the person to whom one was
contemplating making a lifelong commitment. For example, if a young couple
could have been there to see the suffering of these parents, would they be able
to ask themselves if this person with whom they are in love would be the person
they would want next to them if they had to bury their child? Would this potential
partner be the right one?
I wonder if young men who are about to be married ever
consider the possibility of infertility, of their beautiful wife becoming
obsessed with having a baby, her focus turning entirely to that, with the
resultant depression and potentially draining their savings?
A few years ago, a friend’s mother had breast cancer in her
early fifties. My friend, in her late twenties at the time, told me that in the
beginning, she cried frequently about it. She was married with two small
children then. Her husband expressed frustration with her one evening during a
crying spell. When she told me about it, I said “Now he’s learning what
marriage is really about.” Maybe it is about sexual convenience, and two
incomes, and having all of the material things you want, and someone to go
places with and not having to be alone. Maybe it is about fitting in in a
couples world. Maybe it is about love, although I caution against putting too
much faith in infatuation (don’t make any decisions in that chemically-induced
phase). Certainly it’s about raising a family. But are we realistic enough
about how difficult it is, about all of the compromise and responsibility? And
if we were, would that help people to choose the right partner, and to be the
right partner, and to seek help when it is needed to navigate all of the
difficulties?
Sadly, by the time many couples end up in the office of a
marriage counselor, it is late in the game and much damage has already been
done. What can we do to take the stigma away, and encourage couples to seek
help much earlier? I am loathe to admit it, but some of the tv shows now have
made it easier for people to seek help without feeling so stigmatized. The
counselors on television have demonstrated that there is help for improving
communication. The reality is that it takes a tremendous amount of effort on an
ongoing basis to truly understand another person. Success in marriage requires
a constant investment of such effort, done as patiently as possible.
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