Anger Management...by Lisa

Wow, there’s a strong topic. It’s of interest to me because I feel anger at times, and I’ve read about anger and talked about it in therapy. I go to a support group for women who are separated or divorced, and the therapist who facilitates the group, Judy, always says that anger is a mask. A mask that is hiding other emotions underneath, emotions too painful to face. I would have to agree with that. Often when I feel angry it is because I feel defensive, because I am hurt. I cry when I am really angry—out of a feeling of helplessness. It helps me to ask myself what is under the anger—what am I protecting myself from by being angry? It’s no fun to let myself feel the hurt, but it is good to identify what is really going on. It helps me not to act on the anger and do or say something I might later regret.  The Bible, in James 1:19-20 says, “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires.” Regardless of your feelings about religion, you have to admit that this is good advice. What’s the old cliché, that we have two ears and only one mouth? Perhaps to listen twice as much as we speak.

I think that much of anger is due to misunderstanding, or lack of understanding at other people and the situations we are involved in. I am amazed, and I mean really amazed, at how much communication it can take to try to truly understand the point of view of another person. Yes, we know our loved ones in that we know their likes and dislikes, their habits, their pet peeves, but to really, truly know another’s feelings—I’m not sure we ever fully understand another person. I mean hey, how well do we understand ourselves?

I try to resist getting angry in the face of frustrating people or circumstances. I’m older now and I have to conserve energy for the things that are really important to me, and not waste it on unimportant little stuff. Others might say that being older means being more efficient rather than less energetic—and we could debate that. Even so, anger is not usually very efficient.

Now, when I get angry, I try to find a quiet, private place to feel the emotion underneath, and then I can figure out what to do. Tell the person who hurt me? I look at myself and figure out whether my reaction was warranted—maybe I took it too personally. And I try to get my body moving—go for a walk or do something physical to burn off the energy of that anger so I can calm down and think more clearly.  And it always helps to talk it over with a close friend, who can lend a sympathetic ear and an objective point of view. Jodi is great for that—she tells it like it is and I can hear the truth from her without feeling hurt (perfect!). And, heaven forbid, if I realize I was wrong, I humble myself and apologize to the person I have hurt. That too is very therapeutic. And a great lesson for my kids, who are sometimes the recipients of that apology.  

Jodi Thinks "Stupid is as Stupid Does"

I have been thinking a lot lately of how I want to leave my impression with people, I just want to be nice and if they think I am funny too, my job here is done!

Nice is so subjective but I do try to be nice. I try to be pleasant with salespeople. I try to be patient. I try to be friendly with others. I try to be the person my dog thinks I am! I find it very difficult to be nice to stupidity. I know all about how people get 'stupid' sometime because it happens to me. I mean they see something and look at it from the other guys point of view and they still see it like an idiot! Really? What's that about?

I have run into a lot of stupid situations in my life. Really when it boils down to reality, if I can explain why this is stupid, give my reasoning and justify it, don't you think individuals can see that and perhaps re-adjust things? They don't. For whatever reason, they work for a company that gives them no power, they are too young to understand that things are messed up or they just don't see it like me. I won't open that can of worms!

We should all have a common thread but it seems like we don't have a shred of decency to base this on anymore. For instance, we had our tv/DVR and telephone turned off yesterday. Not because we didn't pay the bill but because they made a mistake and charged us for an item we returned last year in November. Not only did they charge us for that item, there were fees and interest. Long story short, we had the slip and all the stuff was back on. It was their error. Don't you think that they should offer a months free service for this inconvenience? You get nothing unless you ask for it in this world. My husband spoke to 4 people to get our free month. 3 people gave him a discount but the one person said she was only authorized to give a certain dollar amount that was lower than the dollar amount the last persons dollar amount offered! How lame is that? When all was said and done, he complained for 45 minutes and got our service free for a month. In these economic times, they made the error and that interest comment really pushed me over the edge. He shouldn't have to argue to get a months service for free when they made the error! Come on, we pay these people more than my car payment each month. You made a big mistake, don't be stupid!

Today instead of getting more customer service, we get less. Instead of individuals asking what they can do for you, we have people asking what we can get. We aren't nice to people anymore, people deserve respect. Treat others how you wish to be treated. Is it so tough? I really don't think so. It's taking the time and making the effort to do the right thing. Find out what people need and work it out so everyone is happy. Think about if your anger is going to matter in a day, week or month? I am at the age that no one can really do anything to me that hasn't been done or tried to be done. I really don't get angry at things anymore. Sometimes just do excess if you can. The phrase 'random acts of kindness' has turned into 'pay it forward.' Whatever you call it, just do it. Make this world a better place. Let's try to wipe out stupid.

End-of-Life Planning…by Lisa

I don’t watch the news on tv regularly, nor do I read the daily newspaper, except for trying to con friends into copying the Sudoku for me. I listen to NPR most mornings in the car and get a brief news snippet, which is sometimes enough to avoid the fear and depression that most of the news incites. I have not followed all of the news on healthcare reform thoroughly, but I was intrigued by the flap over supposed “death panels”.  Here is my understanding, which is based on what is written by reliable sources and my experience as a health care professional for over 20 years, 6 years of which were spent working in oncology.

First, the basics: Medicare is the government/taxpayer-funded health care payment plan for people over age 65. You still have to have “gap” insurance that you pay for yourself, that covers things Medicare doesn’t cover. That’s a whole other matter and I’m not going to cover it here. The original healthcare reform bill proposed by the Obama administration included a provision for Medicare to pay for annual wellness exams—a yearly physical. As part of this, Medicare would pay for doctors to discuss end-of-life care with their patients—and this discussion is voluntary, you have no obligation to have the conversation with your doctor if you don’t want to. What you may not realize is that doctors indicate how much time they spend with a patient during a visit, and they charge more to Medicare or whomever the insurer is for longer visits—so if they spend the time having the conversation with you, they can get paid, just like they get paid for any other service. Anyway, this means doctors could advise patients to prepare living wills, advance directives for healthcare, and those sorts of legal documents that specify what a person wants if they are no longer able to speak for themselves, as far as health care and heroic lifesaving measures, life-prolonging measures, etc, are concerned. If you have been hospitalized in the last 15 years or so, you know that even for simple things like childbirth, you are asked to provide a copy of your living will if you have one. So the idea of thinking about what you want done and writing it down, if something catastrophic or life-threatening happens to you, is nothing new. And hospitals cannot honor a living will or advance directive if they don’t have a copy (and life squads often don’t honor them—why call 911 if you don’t want to be saved?). So, the flap in the media was that some groups (the guilty shall remain nameless) were very opposed to Medicare paying doctors for their time to discuss your end of life wishes with you, if you chose to have the conversation in the first place (it was voluntary!). Let’s remember that these conversations are taking place during an annual physical—we are not talking about conversations at the bedside of a critically ill person. So again, some groups of people wanted to scare you by saying that allowing Medicare to pay a little extra to your doctor for time spent discussing what your wishes are for medical care at the end of your life, meant that there would be “death panels”, who could prevent you from getting lifesaving care if you wanted it. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous? I know it is ridiculous. There is no way, in our country where the answer to every unhappiness is to sue someone, that hospitals are going to stop providing lifesaving care without a legal document from a patient saying they don’t want lifesaving care, and the agreement of the family if there is one to speak for the patient. We are a long way away from anyone withholding lifesaving care that patient wants—it exposes the health care system to much risk for being sued.

So what’s my point, or rather, my opinion?

I don’t get how on earth the opponents to this part of the healthcare bill got from paying your doctor a few extra dollars to spend time talking with individual patients at a yearly check-up to “death panels” that mysteriously decide whether you live or die. That makes no sense to me and I think its a bunch of alarmist nonsense designed to scare all of us. That’s just not how it works. And I would argue that not paying doctors to spend the time on these conversations takes away your ability to get the facts and make a decision before a crisis occurs. I do not want anyone taking away my opportunity to think about and discuss such an important topic when I’m not sick and can think clearly about it. No one is trying to take away your freedom to decide what kind of care you want at the end of your life. There is research that shows that planning ahead for what kind of care you want or don’t want decreases stress and depression for your survivors—if you tell people what you want ahead of time, it eases their burden in a very difficult time. I think it is a great idea for people to be able to get the facts from their doctor about what kind of care they can have at the end of their life, and for the doctor to get paid for their time. If doctors can’t get paid for their time, they aren’t going to spend that time—they’re going to go on to the next patient for whom they can get paid. These conversations are important and you can’t get them from non-medical professionals. Your lawyer can’t really explain to you that if you want all the heroic measures, you will have broken ribs from CPR, you will be on the ventilator—the breathing machine—and at risk for pneumonia, etc. Nor will a lawyer be able to explain all the services that hospice offers if you and your family choose to use their services for the last 6-12 months of your life. These are conversations best had with your doctor first, and then with your family, so that they too know what you want. They want to know, when the time comes, that they are doing what you would have wanted. So let’s have the talks with the important people, write it down, and get the care we want. 

Jodi asks, "When did I start having to sit down to put on my underwear?"

Jodi asks, "When did I start having to sit down to put on my underwear?"

It was before my stroke, sometime in my early 40's, I had to sit down to put it on. Now, it has been since my stroke, I need to sit down to get entirely dressed. It's just easier and I know I won't fall, as far. Yes, I have been known to fall sitting down, long story, other time.

I do many things differently since my stroke. I am 46 years old, I had a big stroke almost 2 years ago. I was in the hospital for about 3 weeks. I left there in a wheelchair, unable to walk or move my right side. I had to have help taking a shower, cutting my meat, even couldn't comb my hair the way I wanted to. I was right handed. At times, I really wanted to die. I know I should have wanted to live and all but my thought was, "Is this what I want to do with my life?" "Is this living?" No, to me, it is not. I often tell Dan, "I know why God let this happen to me as a younger person, if I were older, I wouldn't have the energy to come back from it." I went to therapy a week later, 3 times a week, 6 hours a day. It sounds horrible but it was just what I needed. When it came time to leave after almost 5 months, I really didn't want to go. I went on with therapy and still go every so often, I can move my right side now but I have my challenges, another story for another time.

I am here to tell you, if you don't already know, you need to be ready that anything could happen to you at any time. Accidents happen, it's like that bib that reads,"Spit happens."  Indeed, it does. I was a busy, carefree, happy, mother and BAM! A life changing event happened and I had to deal with it; my husband, my son, my family and friends...what an EVENT. Do I think I will live to be an old woman? Not really, I don't even know if I want to? Since this happened to me, I have told people what to do with me in case I can't tell them. How I want to live and die, if need be. How I want to be buried, how I wish to be thought of. I am just now starting to feel better and do things, it's been 2 years! I have just been able to think about my life and what I need to do to fill in the blanks. Say the words you need to say, make peace with the Lord, love people, live each day like it's your last. It could be. "Live like you are dying," in the words of Tim McGraw.

As long as you are able, enjoy standing up to put on your underwear...you'll have to sit down sometime.

Barbie Turns 52...by Lisa

Barbie is 52. Barbie seems to be ageless, but I am not. I hate thinking about my age—I don’t feel only a few years away from 52! Thinking about Barbie and all her different roles makes me think of all of the different roles I’ve held in life so far. Daughter, sister, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, mother, wife, aunt, career woman, working mom, and friend.  I became a mother when I still had 3 years of college to complete, so I’ve always had to grapple with the career-vs-motherhood thing. I’m happy to report that it isn’t one vs. the other, but rather making the two coexist as happily as possible.  I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for a short time. I’ve been a mom who was at home while taking one class at a time. I’ve been a mom while going to college full-time and working part-time (still don’t know how I did that). I’ve been a mom who worked full-time. I’ve been a mom who worked part-time.  I’ve been a mother for more than half my life, so its natural for me to do whatever I do while still mothering. And although I have a career and lots of responsibility and opportunity there, the thought of my children both being grown and not needing me much makes me wonder what I will find to do in life that will seem important enough to take the place of mothering. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I give thanks for my children and all the joy and laughter they have brought to my life, and for all that they have taught and still teach me. And I give thanks for the career that has allowed me to support myself, and has given me many opportunities to help people and to continue to learn.

Happy Birthday, Barbie...by Jodi

Barbie turned 52 years old. How come she looks better than most human beings? Oh yeah, she's a doll, in more ways than one.

I adore Barbie, she is amazing! Some moms are against their little girls playing with her for whatever the reason. They are nuts! Barbie has had over 30 careers, she has never married, but always had a boyfriend and she is made of PLASTIC. What is wrong with that?

She's had horses, a motorhome, a convertible and a motorcycle. She's owned a townhouse in whatever city you want it to be in. She's been from Malibu, China and she's even been to the Islands. What is not to adore about Barbie? I believe she has been in every branch of our military, she's been a vet, dentist, a flight attendant and a mother-with plastic children-isn't that perfect?

I played with Barbie and her friends until I was in probably seventh grade. I played with them having parties, going to the beach and camping. I am sure it helped fortify the image of the American Dream. What is wrong with that? I had some of the first black Barbies. I had Julia Baker, the nurse from the late 60's and her boyfriend, Brad. I am sure that was some of my first exposure to blacks and whites. It really didn't/doesn't matter to me, the more the merrier!

Travis asked for a Workout Barbie when he was about 3 or 4, he played with her on and off for a year but I was so proud that he wanted a Workout Barbie to love.

I grew up with Barbie and she taught me how to be a girl. I learned about fashion with Barbie. I learned about make-up and hair from that big model Barbie head. I learned how to take care of Barbie's babies. Girls now learn that stuff from Disney Princesses, Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber. Their Ken dolls don't have non-bendable legs anymore like one of mine did!

There were Dawn dolls, Baby Tenderlove and Holly Hobbie, but who is still around...Barbie. No matter how you slice it, Barbie will always be older than me! ;) 

Thoughts on Lent...by Lisa

When I was growing up, my family attended the United Methodist Church in our small Indiana town. I don’t specifically remember Lent being celebrated there, although I’m sure it was. Later, when I was in junior high and high school, I spent a lot of time at the Greek Orthodox Church with my grandparents. I will never forget the pageantry and beauty of the cathedral at Easter. I remember my grandmother talking about the other neighborhood women at bunco and what they were giving up for Lent—pop, chocolate, smoking, etc. My grandmother’s perspective was that instead of giving up something that we indulged in selfishly, perhaps we should spend the time learning something from someone who wouldn’t always be around. For example, my other grandmother was a knitting fiend, and no one else in the family knew how to knit—so why not learn knitting from her during Lent? Alternatively, instead of giving up a selfish indulgence, why not make a selfless contribution of time, money, or both, to others in need? I really liked both of these ideas, although at times I too have given up something and spent the time meditating on Christ’s sacrifice. It wasn't necessarily during Lent, but she and I used to go on cover missions to help others--and one was covert because it irritated my grandfather, so we went "shopping", wink wink. She had a generous heart and I'm so thankful to have been influenced by that.

I decided that when I started a blog, some of the topics would require research—banish the thought that I would write something inaccurate! So today, I dutifully googled the meaning of Lent. I was quite surprised that one church’s website stated emphatically that the observation of Lent is not biblical. Jesus did not command his disciples to observe Lent—this ritual came about later thanks to a command by the council at Laodicea (AD 360, see this link if you want to read about it http://www.thercg.org/articles/ttmol.html#c). Jesus did, however, command his disciples to keep the Passover and the Days of Unleavened Bread.

So what is one to do? Well, in my humble opinion, do what feels right for you. I have to admit that although I am surprised and disappointed that this well-known ritual of observing Lent isn’t a biblical directive, I have taken much comfort in observing the ritual over the years and seasons of my life. My beloved grandmother, with whom I spent the time at the Greek Church, passed away during Lent, making her death even more poignant to me (I was quite possibly her biggest fan). Twenty-three years have gone by and yet I still cry when I remember Father Ev’s cross adorned with daffodils, my sister’s sob, and his chanting resounding through the near-empty cathedral as her casket was brought to the altar on the morning of her funeral. So if observing Lent in your own way gives you a time-out from these hectic days to nourish yourself spiritually, I say go for it. I suppose giving up iced tea, or gin, or anything else I like, and which I have given up in previous years, isn’t of much value in the grand scheme of things, unless I redirect the resources spent on those in some constructive, unselfish way. I think I will take my newfound knowledge about Lent and ponder it. I will try to open my heart to what God would have me do during this season of preparation for the celebration of Christ’s death and resurrection.